Why Is Asking for Help So Hard? The Silent Struggle Behind Loving Someone in Addiction
There’s a question that echoes quietly in the hearts of so many of us:
“Why can’t I ask for help?”
It sounds simple. But if you’ve ever loved someone caught in addiction, you know how complicated those words can become. You lie awake at night, your mind racing, asking yourself—why does this feel so heavy? Why do I feel like I’m fighting a war no one sees?
You might think you're alone. You’re not.
I’ve been there. I’ve carried the weight of loving someone who is self-destructing. I’ve juggled the guilt, the fear, the shame, the grief—and the silence. I’ve tried to “stay strong” for everyone else while breaking inside.
And still, I didn’t ask for help.
Why? Because somewhere along the way, we were taught that loving someone in active addiction was a burden we chose. That if we hurt, it was our fault. That the only way to protect ourselves was to walk away.
But it’s not that black and white.
The Stigma We Don’t Talk About
Society tells us that addiction is a disease—and it is. But when it comes to the people standing beside the addict, the narrative changes. Suddenly, we’re codependent, enablers, martyrs, or fools. We’re told to detach with love, to let go, to focus on self-care.
All of those things are valid. Necessary, even.
But what no one tells you is how.
How do you detach when the person suffering is your child? Your partner? Your sibling?
How do you focus on healing when you’re drowning in grief for someone still alive but slipping away in front of you?
How do you love without losing yourself?
You Didn’t Cause It. You Can’t Control It. You Can’t Cure It.
This phrase is widely used in recovery circles. And it’s true.
But knowing something in your head and believing it in your heart are two very different things.
Because when you’re in it—really in it—it feels like maybe, just maybe, if you did more… prayed harder… showed more love… kept one more promise… you could save them.
It’s okay to feel that way.
It’s okay to hope.
And it’s okay to grieve the life you imagined.
What Help Really Looks Like
Asking for help doesn’t always look like therapy or 12-step meetings (though those are powerful tools). Sometimes, asking for help starts with saying “I’m not okay.”
It’s telling a friend, a coworker, or even a stranger on the internet that you’re struggling.
It’s showing up to a support group and not speaking—but just sitting in the presence of people who get it.
At Behind the Battle Foundation, we exist for this very reason—because there’s a massive silence around the families, the friends, the people left in the wake of addiction.
We believe you matter.
We believe your story matters.
And we believe healing starts when we stop hiding our pain.
You Are Not Weak for Breaking Down
You are human. You are hurting.
And yet—you are still standing.
That’s strength.
But please don’t let strength be your prison.
Ask for help. Whisper it if you have to.
You are not alone in this battle—and you never have to be again.
With love and understanding,
Dari
Founder, Behind the Battle Foundation